This problem does not get fixed by women, it gets fixed by us… men. Every man should feel a responsibility to stop behavior that leads to sexual harassment and assault. Almost every woman has had something bad happen to her (there are other stories, but this is the large majority). I have been having inquisitive conversations with my coworkers. Some women I spoke with said they “dealt with it” because it was “part of being a woman”. Why should they have to? Listen, not all men are bad – many of us are pretty good, but many have seen something wrong - probably not the extent as to what we are reading about – but wrong nonetheless. The bigger question for us is, are we complicit? Is society too complicit? Are we wondering what we can do? Are we wondering what we should have done differently? Are we already thinking about what we can change? We need to do something internal, something that won’t produce a public show of support, something far more difficult than rote words of encouragement. It takes courage to step back and make sure we aren’t part of the problem.
Sexual violence and harassment is truly a global problem. But it’s also about deeply personal stories of suffering; many women are left traumatized, wounded, ashamed, hurt, angry, feeling vulnerable, unsafe, ignored, exploited, and silenced. Some spend their lives trying to come to terms with the abuse they have suffered. Many feel deeply betrayed by the complicity of the men and structures that supported their abuse. Nearly 1 in 5 women report experiencing rape (or attempted rape) - at some time in their lives. 1 in 20 women report sexual violence other than rape, including sexual coercion and harassment. More than 1 in 4 women in Washington DC, have experienced some form of sexual harassment on public transportation (World Health Organization).
Graham Hill, a Provost in Sydney Australia said it best, “…When we stay quiet about sexual harassment; we are complicit. When we ignore everyday sexism and sexual jokes; we are complicit. When we allow other men to treat women and girls with disrespect and disregard; we are complicit. When we protect structures of power that keep women silent and that keep them outside of decision-making and leadership roles; we are complicit. When we allow “boy’s clubs” to thrive, while excluding women and their voices and contributions and stories; we are complicit. When we know males around us are putting sexual pressure on girls and women but we say nothing; we are complicit. When we see men using their power and position to coerce women into sexual and other intimacies and situations against their will, and yet we choose to do nothing; we are complicit. When we normalize violence, and accept or suggest that women and girls must learn to tolerate and live with the behavior of men and boys; we are complicit. When we blame the victims, and exonerate the perpetrators; we are complicit.” Please read that again. I did.
The question for us is when/what did you learn and did you start to change? Are you continuing to learn and change your behavior? We need to collectively and individually be better.
I read a great piece by Hannah Starks today where she gives us three pieces of advice: understand the context of your actions, teach our sons about the context of their actions, and call out abuse from others. It is a starting point. If you are like me, you have probably learned a lot this week. Context matters. You may have thought you knew, but I challenge you that you did not know the extent. Think about how the person you are with “feels”. Put that in context with your actions. Think of your wife, your daughter, your mother, your sister, your female friends. Wow. Do we need to be more aware and thoughtful and understanding and involved and …?
I still like the “grandmother rule” – would you do “XX” in front of your grandmother. If there is .001% of doubt about your actions – do not do it. Grandma was usually right. And be aware of others - our family, our peers, our friends. Also, especially be aware of our “buds” and their actions – call them out.
Many of us are parents. We need to have these discussions now with our sons (and our daughters). This is not alright. And if we have trouble with that concept – think about our daughter, our mother, our sister, our female friends. It is more than “no means no”. Our sons need to be more aware, be more understanding, be more communicative. Be more caring and gentle. Be respectful. Our daughters need to know this is not alright – do not remain silent – there are people who can help.
And yes, there are “bad” men we work with, play sports with, go to concerts with, are neighbors with. There are also good men we work with, play sports with, go to concerts with, are neighbors with – but many may not (or chose not to) understand…yet. There are also plenty of good men who “get it” as well. A broad spectrum. We need to help educate each other. We need to speak up when something is not right. We must choose to be held accountable. We must choose to hold each other accountable. We must choose, together, to treat EVERYONE with dignity, respect, care—and to hold each other accountable for doing so. One of the articles I read very clearly stated, “either you are stopping it, or you are facilitating it.” We cannot be a bystander, we need to be an “upstander”.
It is necessary for all of us to engage in productive conversations about sexism – men and women. This is not a women’s issue, or an issue for just parents with daughters. It is a culture issue, irrespective of our gender identities, we are all responsible for making change. Together. We. Win.
Dave Harmon
People Division
“Kindness is Currency”
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/davidharmonhr
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Thank you Dave! its good to hear your voice in these words
ReplyDeleteJan