The Hug

Here is what happened to me last week.  Right out of a Seinfeld episode, or Big Bang if you are younger than me.

I was out of town at a very important business meeting.  Folks show up on day one and we greet each other.  As the Chief People Officer, I try to warmly greet everyone and shake hands to make that connection.  Well … then it happened.  The awkward meeting of the politically correct People leader and the senior level executive who is a “hugger”.  Said person comes over to greet me in full on “I am going to hug you mode” because that is how they are.  This guy {me}, is in the awkward, “hey … we do not hug at work, hug a team mate, hug a boss, hug a direct report, hug any other employee” mode.  We are on a collision course of awkwardness.  I have my hand out for the professional handshake greeting.  They are in arms wide open, great to see you again, give me a hug mode.  Twenty feet away, ten feet, 3 feet … screeching brakes.  STOP.  “Should I hug you?” they ask.  Then they ask, “should I ask to hug you”?  Then they follow up with “can I just give you a hug?”  I say yes and then I do a very generic but pleasant half hug to their full on warm and friendly “great to see you” hug.  We laugh at the awkwardness.  They are with another senior level person.  They, too, now want a hug.  I reach out with a semi-awkward alligator arm handshake gesture, they look at my hand and respond with an awkward half handshake that turns into a more awkward one-quarter hug.  All three of us laugh at the very awkward moment and proceed to chat about the “hug” for the next 30 minutes.

Outside of work on a scale of 1 {never any hugging} to 10 {hug all the time}, I am probably a 6.  At work, I am probably a -1.  I used to have two great employees work for me – one was a big hugger {10+} while the other was like me {-1}.  After 7 years of working together the hugger wore us down and we occasionally hugged.  That said, my default is ALWAYS the handshake.  Maybe I am too far on this, so I wanted to ask around, do some research and ensure I do not give any bad advice (for the record, my Chief People Officer advice is not to hug at work).  

Some tidbits from a few studies:

·                Hugging reduces stress, relaxes muscles, boosts your immune system, can protect against heart disease, lessens feelings of isolation, reduces anxiety, helps to fight fear, and can be a pain reliever. 

·                A study from Carnegie Mellon University showed that healthy adults who received hugs were less likely to come down with a cold.  

o                 Getting a good squeeze before going into a stressful situation—a presentation at work, a worrisome medical test, or a long journey—can help you calm down a bit, according to the same Carnegie Mellon research.  

·                One of the best benefits of hugging comes from the surge of the hormone oxytocin, which leads to feelings of trust and connection, NPR reports.  

o                 Hugging is critical to emotional well-being and actually helps release our own natural “anti-depressant,” serotonin, according to Deb Castaldo, PhD.

I have generally been a proponent of the “no hugging at work” rule.  However, not everyone buys into this.  So, I went to “Google” to see what others recommend.  From a law firm, they had five pieces of advice:

You can probably hug your close friends (maybe not every single time).  

You can probably hug someone if you ask (and they say it's OK).

You shouldn't hug someone you supervise (not appropriate).

You shouldn't give long, lingering hugs (do not be that creepy person).

You shouldn't hug a coworker with whom you're romantically involved (no PDA at work).

If you aren't one to give hugs, you likely don't ever want to be hugged by a coworker. When you are in a situation where you may think someone will try to hug you, stick out your hand to initiate the standard handshake instead. Or, be completely direct and tell someone who goes in for a hug that you simply aren't a hugger. A reasonable person will be completely fine with you establishing your personal boundaries, but if someone repeatedly tries to hug you, or makes other inappropriate physical advancements, you could have a harassment case on your hands.

There are, unfortunately, few good rules about hugging in our society. On one hand, Americans are famously informal and forthright. On the other hand, our nation has Puritan roots, and we are known for needing more personal space than other cultures.  How do we strike a balance? 

Here are some guidelines recommended from etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore, author of Poised for Success:

Pay close attention to body language

Ask permission

Consider the balance of power

Consider the occasion

Avoid mixing hugs with non-hugs

Keep it short

Don't hug if either of you might be contagious

Don't hug if you're less than perfectly clean

Err on the side of not hugging, but don't be afraid to hug if the moment is right

OK, so where are we with all of this?  Almost all of us have experienced it – we see it coming from a mile away.  That awkward moment when our colleague goes in for a hug. It, like my experience, is usually like a bad slow motion sequence. We flinch, we cringe, we are confused. Many of us try to attempt to appear welcoming of the gesture, but on the inside we’re screaming – what the heck should I do? … Okay, maybe you aren’t that anti-hug. Or maybe you’re the person giving out the free hugs and causing the discomfort!

No matter where you stand on the hug continuum, you need to be aware of the hugging culture at your office as to follow appropriate business etiquette.  When in doubt – do not hug.  And I know that may make folks sad {especially the huggers}.  Some people think hugging at work is completely inappropriate and awkward. Other people think it is a great way to greet our colleagues. In an office setting, you will typically have a mixture of both with some people being completely indifferent to hugs (these are also the people who say “surprise me” when ordering a dessert).

So, unless your workplace actually prohibits hugging between colleagues, you are left to your own devices when it comes to giving or accepting hugs at work. Most office etiquette experts say that generally, an arms-off policy is best. And yet, most of us will admit that we have been in a situation where we’ve either given, or received, an awkward co-worker hug.    

Be smart, understand the situation, body language and all the things noted above.

Seinfeld and Costanza what do we do?  Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz what do we do? 

I read this and will leave you with this thought:

If you are in a situation where there is a hug, think of the office hug like those who go fishing: “hug and release.”

Together.  We. Win.

Dave Harmon
People Division
“Kindness is Currency”
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/davidharmonhr

Look for us on: LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, The Muse, Glassdoor and USA TODAY NETWORK Careers