The Hug

Here is what happened to me last week.  Right out of a Seinfeld episode, or Big Bang if you are younger than me.

I was out of town at a very important business meeting.  Folks show up on day one and we greet each other.  As the Chief People Officer, I try to warmly greet everyone and shake hands to make that connection.  Well … then it happened.  The awkward meeting of the politically correct People leader and the senior level executive who is a “hugger”.  Said person comes over to greet me in full on “I am going to hug you mode” because that is how they are.  This guy {me}, is in the awkward, “hey … we do not hug at work, hug a team mate, hug a boss, hug a direct report, hug any other employee” mode.  We are on a collision course of awkwardness.  I have my hand out for the professional handshake greeting.  They are in arms wide open, great to see you again, give me a hug mode.  Twenty feet away, ten feet, 3 feet … screeching brakes.  STOP.  “Should I hug you?” they ask.  Then they ask, “should I ask to hug you”?  Then they follow up with “can I just give you a hug?”  I say yes and then I do a very generic but pleasant half hug to their full on warm and friendly “great to see you” hug.  We laugh at the awkwardness.  They are with another senior level person.  They, too, now want a hug.  I reach out with a semi-awkward alligator arm handshake gesture, they look at my hand and respond with an awkward half handshake that turns into a more awkward one-quarter hug.  All three of us laugh at the very awkward moment and proceed to chat about the “hug” for the next 30 minutes.

Outside of work on a scale of 1 {never any hugging} to 10 {hug all the time}, I am probably a 6.  At work, I am probably a -1.  I used to have two great employees work for me – one was a big hugger {10+} while the other was like me {-1}.  After 7 years of working together the hugger wore us down and we occasionally hugged.  That said, my default is ALWAYS the handshake.  Maybe I am too far on this, so I wanted to ask around, do some research and ensure I do not give any bad advice (for the record, my Chief People Officer advice is not to hug at work).  

Some tidbits from a few studies:

·                Hugging reduces stress, relaxes muscles, boosts your immune system, can protect against heart disease, lessens feelings of isolation, reduces anxiety, helps to fight fear, and can be a pain reliever. 

·                A study from Carnegie Mellon University showed that healthy adults who received hugs were less likely to come down with a cold.  

o                 Getting a good squeeze before going into a stressful situation—a presentation at work, a worrisome medical test, or a long journey—can help you calm down a bit, according to the same Carnegie Mellon research.  

·                One of the best benefits of hugging comes from the surge of the hormone oxytocin, which leads to feelings of trust and connection, NPR reports.  

o                 Hugging is critical to emotional well-being and actually helps release our own natural “anti-depressant,” serotonin, according to Deb Castaldo, PhD.

I have generally been a proponent of the “no hugging at work” rule.  However, not everyone buys into this.  So, I went to “Google” to see what others recommend.  From a law firm, they had five pieces of advice:

You can probably hug your close friends (maybe not every single time).  

You can probably hug someone if you ask (and they say it's OK).

You shouldn't hug someone you supervise (not appropriate).

You shouldn't give long, lingering hugs (do not be that creepy person).

You shouldn't hug a coworker with whom you're romantically involved (no PDA at work).

If you aren't one to give hugs, you likely don't ever want to be hugged by a coworker. When you are in a situation where you may think someone will try to hug you, stick out your hand to initiate the standard handshake instead. Or, be completely direct and tell someone who goes in for a hug that you simply aren't a hugger. A reasonable person will be completely fine with you establishing your personal boundaries, but if someone repeatedly tries to hug you, or makes other inappropriate physical advancements, you could have a harassment case on your hands.

There are, unfortunately, few good rules about hugging in our society. On one hand, Americans are famously informal and forthright. On the other hand, our nation has Puritan roots, and we are known for needing more personal space than other cultures.  How do we strike a balance? 

Here are some guidelines recommended from etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore, author of Poised for Success:

Pay close attention to body language

Ask permission

Consider the balance of power

Consider the occasion

Avoid mixing hugs with non-hugs

Keep it short

Don't hug if either of you might be contagious

Don't hug if you're less than perfectly clean

Err on the side of not hugging, but don't be afraid to hug if the moment is right

OK, so where are we with all of this?  Almost all of us have experienced it – we see it coming from a mile away.  That awkward moment when our colleague goes in for a hug. It, like my experience, is usually like a bad slow motion sequence. We flinch, we cringe, we are confused. Many of us try to attempt to appear welcoming of the gesture, but on the inside we’re screaming – what the heck should I do? … Okay, maybe you aren’t that anti-hug. Or maybe you’re the person giving out the free hugs and causing the discomfort!

No matter where you stand on the hug continuum, you need to be aware of the hugging culture at your office as to follow appropriate business etiquette.  When in doubt – do not hug.  And I know that may make folks sad {especially the huggers}.  Some people think hugging at work is completely inappropriate and awkward. Other people think it is a great way to greet our colleagues. In an office setting, you will typically have a mixture of both with some people being completely indifferent to hugs (these are also the people who say “surprise me” when ordering a dessert).

So, unless your workplace actually prohibits hugging between colleagues, you are left to your own devices when it comes to giving or accepting hugs at work. Most office etiquette experts say that generally, an arms-off policy is best. And yet, most of us will admit that we have been in a situation where we’ve either given, or received, an awkward co-worker hug.    

Be smart, understand the situation, body language and all the things noted above.

Seinfeld and Costanza what do we do?  Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz what do we do? 

I read this and will leave you with this thought:

If you are in a situation where there is a hug, think of the office hug like those who go fishing: “hug and release.”

Together.  We. Win.

Dave Harmon
People Division
“Kindness is Currency”
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/davidharmonhr

Look for us on: LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, The Muse, Glassdoor and USA TODAY NETWORK Careers

Listen more

Two powerful words.  We all have heard the old saying, “God gave us two ears and one mouth…”.

Listen more.  Speak less.

I think the world would be a better place if we all listened more.  Listen to understand, listen to empathize, listen to educate, listen to resolve, etc.  The list goes on.  Marriage, kids, work, politics – listening more helps in every facet of our lives.  The person who speaks least benefits most and the person who speaks most benefits least because knowledge is power.  We are in an information driven world.  The more we listen, the more we learn.

How am I applying this in the workplace?  At Gannett, we’ve created a platform for listening and conduct monthly pulse surveys with quarterly general surveys.  We are increasing the number of focus group meetings to listen to the voice of our employees.  I personally conduct one- on -one meetings with the Top 100 leaders across Gannett. Our recruiting team, training team and HR business partners now proactively set up monthly/quarterly check-ins to gain feedback, ensuring that our teams are being heard.

Feedback is a gift a boss once told me.  Once we all cross the hurdle of self-denial and rationalization to actually digest the feedback and assume there is always a “bit of truth” in all feedback – we can then start to make change.  My function is a service function.  We are here to service the business – enable their success, remove obstacles and streamline anything not driving revenue or growth.  

As Warren Buffet said, “honesty is a very expensive gift, just do not expect it from cheap people”. Whenever and however you receive honest and open feedback, you should consider it a valuable gift.

Learning how to become comfortable receiving feedback is not only a crucial developmental skill, but a business imperative. The more feedback we have, the more valuable data we can collect and process.  If you hear four folks on your team compliment you on the color of the jacket you're wearing, then you know that's probably a good color for you (especially if you are color blind like me).  On a different note, if you hear from your team that you say, "ya know" too much when you present, then that becomes valuable feedback you can act on.  If you present a defensive barrier to people, where you resist their feedback, they will eventually stop giving you feedback. Which is actually worse as a leader, because you will have then modeled behavior to your team where they won't be open to hearing feedback themselves.  Additionally, we all have to filter and understand that not all feedback is 100% accurate, but in my history I would suggest it is almost always directionally correct.

The bigger role you have in your organization, and the more influence you have over things like promotions, merit increases and special projects, the more likely it becomes that you will find yourself surrounded by "yes people" - people who like to tell you whatever you think you want to hear. That's because you signaled to them that you don't like to hear bad news or criticism.  I like to ask, “is this what I want to hear or what I need to hear?”

This is the insincere and cheap feedback Warren Buffet was talking about. What you want to encourage instead is a culture of open and honest feedback without fear of reprisal.  Although it may become challenging to manage the troops when they point out the flaws of a leader, it certainly makes for better innovation and decision making.

I spoke to some of the processes Gannett is undertaking and I, personally, am working to improve my listening skills.  I had a member of my team speak about how we greet folks.  And when we say “hello, how are you?”, do we really mean it and do we stay engaged to hear the answer.  This has resonated with me.  So much, that I share it with you.  We often have so many rote behaviors throughout our day, that we miss these opportunities to connect.  I need to listen more intently.  If someone is willing to give me feedback, I need to listen and not interrupt, not prepare my rebuttal, not get emotional, not cut them off, not shut down.  Not saying I do this often, but I need to do it even less.  

I need to maintain an open attitude, ask more questions to clarify understanding, and thank folks for giving me their time and the feedback.  They must care if they are doing so.  How many of us would like our manager to tell us what we want to hear rather than what we need to hear?  Each of us wants to know the truth, no matter how difficult it is to hear.  But even though we want to hear honest and direct feedback, we generally don’t look on those occasions with much joy or pleasure.

As leaders (at every level), we need candid feedback about our performance (and our team performance) to improve. Feedback can illuminate our blind spots about behavior that we just can’t see without input from others.  Without accurate knowledge, we may adjust in the wrong direction, we may expend effort in the wrong places, and we may create even more distance between our intention and our actual impact on others.  As leaders, we need to listen to what is being said.  This doesn’t mean you have to accept it, or do it, but you do need to listen to it. 

Listen more.

Together.  We.  Win.

Dave Harmon
People Division
“Kindness is Currency”
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/davidharmonhr

Look for us on: LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, The Muse, Glassdoor and USA TODAY NETWORK Careers

Give Balance…

As a follow up to my blog a few weeks back about achieving balance, I thought I would change “lenses” today and write about how to “give balance”.  And it may not actually be balance per se, it may be better self-awareness.  Or a combination of both.

Either way, in my opinion, it starts with modeling behaviors.  As an example, I had an out of office message a few weeks back that read like this:

“I will be out of the office participating on family vacation returning July 1st, 2018.  I will be enjoying time in the ocean with my family and will have limited access to, and will check email infrequently during the day.  If it is urgent please contact…”

A fairly straightforward out of office message.  I was surprised to read about ten different emails with responses like these sent back to me:

“OK, that is the best out of the office message. Hope you had fun at the beach! Aloha!”

“Dave- I love your out of office, specifying how you are spending your family vacation time in the ocean 😊”

Another leading by example moment is “leaving loudly”.  My team and I read an article a few months ago about the boss leaving the office loudly (EVERY day, PepsiCo chief executive Robbert Rietbroek asks his team to do one thing before they leave the office.) – meaning that you let the team know you are heading out for the day with a clear verbal goodbye like, “Have a great night, heading out to watch Jonny play lacrosse”, or “Have a wonderful evening, meeting my wife Nikki for a dinner date and movie”. 

I was a bit doubtful when I first read the article, but now my team calls me out if I do not announce that I am leaving.  It also reinforces that my family, friends, and activities are ALSO a priority for me.

Part of being a leader is your own EQ (emotional intelligence or emotional quotient).  Part of the EQ is understanding the rhythms, the nuances, and the quirks of your team.  As a leader, it pays off to understand who is a morning person, who is an evening person, who handles stress well, who is my detail person, who is my creative, etc.  Like a good sports coach, aligning the work plan to the skills of my team makes a big difference. (This is also important when you are pushing people outside the box for development).  It is important to understand how to assist teams in achieving their balance.

Another tip for me is to understand what is important outside of work for each member of my staff and to frequently discuss and support those activities.  Sometimes I need to say, “Pat, you have a basketball game to coach tonight, you need to get going.  Good luck with your game”. 

I think that there is a role for leaders to prevent burnout, but I think it's less about encouraging balance and more about trying to instill in our employees self-awareness to understand when they're pushing too hard or when they're pushing and they don't really want to be.  Sometimes I need to help them step back and truly understand priorities in life.  I often say, “are people going to remember that PowerPoint deck or the impact you had as a coach?”

As a leader, with our workforce today we need to encourage telework, changing up the work week, maybe work from home a day or two to mix it up a bit.  I have written about Wednesday Fun Day – which is our work from the office day (heck, if everyone is coming in to the office, let’s make it fun).  As a leader, I need to do this on occasion as well.  Keep it fresh for the team.  Surprise them.  Recognize them.

It can be a paradox: The more people work, the less productive they may be. In some weeks, somewhere along the way, my team can find themselves putting in 60 or 70 hour workweeks, giving up weekends and getting much less sleep. Yet it’s not necessarily making our team or the workplace any more productive.  In fact, it is usually the opposite.  As leaders we need to be aware of this (Hint, note email times).

A few simple discussions to have with your team can focus on pushing them to exercise one night a week, or attend Bible study, or dance class and forcing them out the door, or reminding them of late fees for childcare, or maintaining a fairly structured environment to work (when you hold meetings {nobody wants a Friday 5pm meeting}, when you have due dates and times, etc.), scheduling community involvement activities as a team, allowing your team to have a great time, to laugh (and if you can make them laugh at you is all the better), and be flexible with time-off for personal events that happen in life (deaths, divorce, pet issues, etc.).

Lastly, celebrate!  Sometimes celebrate with not only a day off but taking on their work as well for that day.  “Hey Kristy, I see you have been working hard on the Board deck, let me handle the legal audit and you take Friday off”.  Many times they will roll their eyes because they do not think the Boss can do the work as well as them, but sometimes you get lucky and they take you up on the offer.  Either way, the offer in itself is worth something.

Overall, it’s important to encourage your team to be self-aware about their own personalities and tendencies, as some people are more prone to imbalances than others. Through your words, actions, and example, emphasize the need to continually assess one’s goals to determine what brings satisfaction, inner peace, and their version of “balance”.

Empowering our teams to take control over their work and home lives can have a profound impact on their job satisfaction and performance. As leaders, we must give balance.

Together.  We.  Win.
 
Dave Harmon
People Division
“Kindness is Currency”
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/davidharmonhr

Look for us on: LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, The Muse, Glassdoor and USA TODAY NETWORK Careers